We all know when we are about to fight with our significant other. We get that knot in our stomach, our blood begins to boil and we brace ourselves for a war of words. According to Drs. Bob and Judith Wright, who are relationship experts, it is okay to embrace couple fights, but there’s a caveat – know what you are truly fighting about.

Dr. Judith Wright acknowledges that fighting is good for a relationship because it enhances growth, and better understanding of one another. Fights provide couples with a space in their relationship to iron out issues, treat each other better, and discover their partner’s likes and dislikes. While this is great for any relationship, not every fight is worth it. Some fights are actually pretty toxic and detrimental to your relationship. In some cases, people have let go of amazing partners just because they could not push past trivial bickering.

To help us understand some of the pitfalls to avoid in a relationship, Drs. Bob and Judith Wright, who are also a married couple, penned a book on the topic called, Heart of The Fight. This self-help book details some of the most common fights between couples. In addition to their list, we have also included confessions from couples from the Whisper app to bring you a list of 15 ridiculous aspects of couple fights you need to outgrow.

Here we go.

15. Know Who Started It

In Ne-Yo’s song, Mad, there’s a verse that goes like this: “As I am yelling over her, she yelling over me, all that that means is neither of us is listening, and what’s even worse, is that we don’t even remember why we’re fighting.” This is sadly exactly what happens in most relationships when both parties are being stubborn and no one is willing to back down during a fight.

Usually, in such instances, blame is thrown around without any productive communication. By the end couple’s will probably even forget the cause of the fight to begin with! The question is: does it really matter who started it? Is it worth constantly shifting the blame and severely attacking each other simply because the cap on the toothpaste wasn’t properly shut? Be the bigger person, apologize, and move on.

14. Things Must Be Done Your Way

A woman confessed on Whisper that she had a bitter argument with her partner about the best method to put away socks in the drawer. The guy wanted to just throw them in, while she insisted that they had to be folded. While I agree that the woman may be a neat freak, she should also have accommodated her guy. Instead of wasting energy fighting over a harmless habit, why not correct it with love by folding the socks herself? With patient encouragement both partners can adapt to each and accommodate each other’s likes and dislikes.

Basically, there is no perfect parking slot, no right way of peeling a tangerine, and absolutely no prescribed way of stirring pasta sauce. Don’t force your partner to act in a way you are used to or comfortable with. It shouldn’t be your way or the highway, but a compromise between you and him.

13. Cheap Insecurities

There was a shocking confession on Whisper about a woman who went ballistic because her boyfriend did not save her name on his phone with a heart emoji. How cheap and crazy is this form of insecurity? Could it be that she was struggling with a deeper problem? This confession reminds me of an article I read about couples who overshare on social media. According to certain experts couples who constantly post online are actually masking deeper issues. That is, things are not always as rosy as they seem, hence they use social media to avoid dealing with the real conflict. Similarly, the woman’s unfortunate reaction to her boyfriend’s harmless behaviour is probably rooted to something personal.

Relationships require deep emotional maturity, so, if you feel unhappy about something, politely discuss it. Small issues like an emoji should never cause a fight if you are emotionally stable.

12. Being Turned Down For Sex

There are many reasons why your partner may feel disinterested in getting freaky under the sheets. As confirmed by numerous research studies, sex is greatly affected by your partner’s physical and mental state. The more stable s/he is, the more willing they are to engage in sex, and receive pleasure in it too. So, be patient and understanding if their libido suddenly diminishes. There are tons of reasons why that may be. Perhaps they were fired from their job that day! Sadly, some people don’t reason objectively, like this woman from India, who killed her husband after he turned her down .for sex.

11. Who Will Turn Off The Lights

On Whisper man shared a very interesting but mature angle on this issue. As a result of working as a bar tender, and loving his dark man cave, this man hates being around bright lights in the house. This clearly caused some strain between him and his wife. As their marriage counselor explained to them, he is a minimizer, while his wife is a maximizer. His wife does not share his penchant for turning off the lights, and even jokes with him about his habit by switching on all the light bulbs around the house, playfully telling her husband that he is about to melt. While her behavior certainly agitates the man sometimes, he has opted to be mature, and found a way to co-exist. He switches off lights when they aren’t being used.

10. How Much Your Spouse Doesn’t Know

For eons there has been great debate about the differences between men and women. Sadly, women have been labeled the weaker sex, and cited to lack the cognitive ability to perform tasks in the same capacity as men. Even though there is an obvious improvement on the issue of equality between the sexes today, women still struggle under the constraints of patriarchy. And the ones that do fit in are considered the 8th wonder of the world.

It is regrettable that this dynamic trickles into relationships as well. Misogynistic men tend to bash their women for a perceived ignorance, while certain self-described feminists emasculate their men without thought.

9. Making Your Spouse Your Only Source Of Happiness

According to Dr. Judith Wright a couple that constantly blame each other for unhappiness or unmet expectations has got some growing up to do. She opines that the couple should be able to take responsibility for their own individual happiness, and go after what they need instead of shifting blames. They also need to break away from the belief that their partner is responsible for their happiness, because usually this is the main cause of crazy and unrealistic expectations.

Dr. Wright is right. How can you place your happiness solely on another human being? What would you feel if your partner had this expectation as well? To be safe, only get into a relationship when you are grounded as a person, and when you understand that people can be perfectly imperfect.

8. Who Is Paying For Shopping This Month

We understand that finances have the power to make or break a relationship. As a matter of fact, as reported by SunTrust Bank, finances are the leading cause of stress in relationships, ultimately leading to divorce in extreme cases.

While this is a hefty issue, there are certain petty financial issues you should avoid fighting about, including issues like who pays for shopping, or the house budget. Reaching an agreement on financial responsibilities and honouring them will save you the pain. Ensure that the basic needs are met, and then you can tackle the big issues if need be, such as a gambling addiction, which obviously may require serious counseling.

7. Ignoring Problems And Always Venting To Your Partner

Usually it is not a common occurrence for 5 years olds to get married. Firstly, because they are toddlers and certainly not of legal age to get married. And secondly, they clearly do not have the emotional capacity to enter into such a serious commitment. There are legal and institutional safeguards in place to ensure that mentally stable and mature adults enter into a marriage with each other’s consent.

So, when you are an adult in a marriage avoid sulking like a five year old whose dad didn’t buy them a popsicle. Childish behaviour like silent treatments only make the situation worst due to pent-up anger. Annoyed by something? Speak up.

6. Hiding Your “Sexpectations”

Have you ever read or heard about raw sexual frustration stories? I remember once reading about a man who was dating a woman that demanded too much sex. the man received numerous comments from other guys wishing that they could trade partners. Clearly, as one was being overfed, the other was being underfed in the sex department. Basically, this shows that people have different sexual expectations and preferences, which sadly, sometimes are never conveyed openly by couples when they are in a relationship. So, instead of complaining to your friends, take the time and talk to your partner openly and explicitly on what you like during a rookie session.

5. You Wish He Knew How To Treat You Better

There are three types of partners-those that forget birthdays, Valentine’s day, and any other special events, those that remember these dates and prepare something special, and then those that remember and do nothing. Sadly, for those who treat their partner may get discouraged by their partners’ frustrations because they did not treat them special enough.

Now, are you in a relationship to someone who can read your mind, or are you there to freely talk to your partner, clearly stating what you like? Truth is, your partner is not an angel. Stop getting pissed off for no reason.

4. You Want To Slap Him The Next Time He Slurps

Doctors have pointed out that it is important to show your partner his annoying habits, and most mature people will actually do this. Regrettably, a majority do not know how to relay criticism. Delivered with the wrong tone and attitude, positive criticism can change into an attack, sparking a very bitter argument. Additionally, do not over-criticize, and use these pointers whenever you are in an argument or feel that your partner has annoyed you. If you find yourself nitpicking everything your partner does, take some time off and do some soul searching. You could have a deeper, personal problem.

3. You Dish Out ‘I Told You So’ Like Crazy

If your partner is proven to be wrong, and your first instinct is to throw a big and sarcastic “I told you so” in his face, then you have a problem. According to relationship experts, this is a clear indication that you are competing with your partner, and are only out to destroy his spirit. Lack of affirmation and an abrasive tone will only build a wall between the two of you and before you know it, infidelity will set in, consequently leading to divorce.

So, lose the sarcasm, and have an honest conversation with your partner to see a way forward. After all, relationships are worked on.

2. Focusing On Adverbs “Always” And “Never”

Oh, these are the most abused adverbs in relationships. It is very tempting to use absolutes like this, but is almost impossible expectation that your partner always or never does something. Usually, these statements are a result of your partner failing to meet a need at a particular time, and that feeling of helplessness causes you to imagine that they are never there for you.

While it feels right to make these statements, they are very detrimental when thrown into an argument. All of a sudden, the accused will feel severely unappreciated, sparking a new twist into the disagreement.

1. Comparing Your Partner To An Ex

Lodging her complaint on an online forum, a lady showcased just how screwed up this type of behaviour is. Her boyfriend started comparing her to his ex, saying that she cooked better, had bigger boobs, and a double zero waist. In a failed attempt to make his boo feel better, he said that she had better hair, a nicer smile, and he liked her small boobs. Unfortunately, this woman is very sad inside after hearing about him complementing his ex, and is only holding onto the relationship because she can’t stand a breakup.

Honestly, this is one of the dumbest and stupidest relationship issues you could ever have. An ex is always an ex for a reason. So, why compare your partner to an ex? Instead, use that time and effort to nurture your new relationship.

Sources: xojane.com, womansday.com, thoughtcatalog.com