Well, the verdict’s in.

Or it’s not, really.

The jury in Bill Cosby’s trial for aggravated indecent result have returned a mistrial – the legal version of a shrug. The DA in Philadelphia has vowed to bring Cosby back to trial, but for the time being we still have to use terms such as “allegedly” and “purportedly” when talking about Cosby’s decidedly creepy behavior.

For example, Bill Cosby allegedly definitely drugged women with the intention of engaging in non-consentual sex. Or, Bill Cosby is purportedly a filthy rapist. You get the idea.

There’s no confirmed reason why the jury were unable to decide that the evidence was damningly clear, and we wouldn’t dare suggest that they received a tray of spiked Jell-O pudding pops during recess. It probably had something to do with the public’s inability to see past the Bill Cosby image: his facade of sweater-clad gentle moral authority is ingrained in the public consciousness. Michael Jackson moonwalked his way out of his trial for much the same reason – people are willing to let their legends get away with horrific things because of…nostalgia?

But we’re not letting this one slide, while they try and find a competent jury in Philadelphia, here are some examples from Bill Cosby’s epic creepshow.

15. He Thinks One Penis Isn’t Sufficient

Cosby has often cultivated the persona of the wise father to young men all over the world. Taking them gently aside and uttering some glib yet sage advice on navigating the treacherous waters of life and the mysteries of jazz.

Except, when he took Kenan Thompson aside his advice was a little creepier than usual.

Thompson recently described how, during the 2004 filming of the Fat Albert movie, Cosby offered advice that he was taken aback to hear leak from the lips of Dr Huxtable.

“He was like, ‘You know, life is good in movies or whatever, but you just be ready because when this movie comes out you’re gonna need two dicks’”.

What do you even say to that? Yes, Mr Cosby, I shall ensure my dicks have doubled when next we speak…you creepy lunatic.

14. He Was a Lecherous Late Show Host

The secret to successfully complimenting anyone (male or female) is completely avoiding coming across like a well-practiced creature of pure molestation. That’s it – sure, make eye contact, but don’t make eye contact while simultaneously thrusting your hips. Simple.

Or not so simple for Bill Cosby.

In 2003, David Letterman was away sick from The Late Show, and Cosby was one of those brought in as a temporary replacement. On Cosby’s night, he interviewed Sofia Vegara.

By “interviewed”, we obviously mean “acted like a creepy old letch”.

During the really disquieting interview, Cosby stares at Vergara, and describes in an awful attempt at a Spanish accent how she makes him feel “excited”. He even shirks the host’s chair and settles himself down right beside her.

The interview is just a panoply of creepiness, from Cosby’s incessant leaning in close to Vegara, to his comments about how men think of sin when they look at her.

13. He Knows He’s a Creeper-bipbopbippity

When it comes to their kids dating, parents want them to be with someone that meets their high ethical standards, someone who cares about them as much as they do. Unless of course, you’re Bill Cosby.

He specifically doesn’t want his daughters dating someone like himself. Because he knows how much of a Creepy McCreeperson he is.

In his book “Fatherhood” he wrote, “Every time a young man comes to my house for one of my daughters, I have wanted to take them aside and say: You’re not like me, are you? If you are, then I know what you want and I hope you have the same terrible luck. …I hope you’re on a mission impossible.”

Bill, when it comes to people like you, it’s not called “dating” – that implies consent.

12. His Character has a “Special” Sauce

There are times when fiction seems to be revealing, and this is one of those times when we really wish it wasn’t!

There’s a season 7 episode of The Cosby Show, called “The Last Barbecue”, where the younger couples in the family have been fighting, but by the end they’re cosied up and eating chicken. Clair Huxtable turns to Cliff and says how nice it is that they worked things out for themselves.

What comes next is a monologue of creepy proportions, in which Cosby as Cliff describes how it was his special barbecue sauce that brought them together, going on to ask if she’s ever noticed how his sauce makes people “huggy buggy”, and how after eating it they want to quickly leave together. Then he tells Clair that he keeps a cup of it in their bedroom.

Sure, Cosby didn’t write the episode, but there’s a relish and dark delight with which he says these words that is just downright creepy given their new context.

11. He doesn’t think women are human

Bill Cosby is not a unique thinker, just a backward one. His attitudes towards women are clearly those of a bygone age – not even a bygone age that he was a part of. This is more the thinking you’d find in the Dark Ages, where women could be burned as witches for not sleeping with you, or even for sleeping with you.

To Bill Cosby, women are some kind of sub-human species – a concept he’s had since he was a young man. This opinion was illustrated in his 1989 book, Love and Marriage.

“If a girl wandered into a football field where I was playing, I might make knocking her down part of my fly pattern – for a girl was only an honorary human being. And if my roller skating assumed a certain grand sweep, a girl or two might hit the cement, not an unfitting position for such a lesser part of humanity.”

Given accounts of his actions, he seems to still take this view. Which is fine, because such people are barely human themselves.

10. He chose to address his fans in his pajamas

In March 2015, Bill Cosby released a video message to his fans in order to reassure them that he’s still the harmless, sage sweater dad that he desperately wants us to believe he is. All it did was make our skin crawl.

Firstly, he (or his representatives) had chosen not to film it at his home, but in some kind of weird warehouse that had been badly dressed to look like a living room. Seriously, you could see the grey concrete peeking behind the drapes, and it felt distinctly like the kind of place you might wake up in after being bundled into a van.

On top of that is his wardrobe choice. The man trying to reassure us that the allegations of sexual creepiness are lies, has chosen to do so in silk pajamas. Not the comforting sweater-clad reliable Dr Huxtable, but some creeper in his bedroom wear.

The man accused of illicit bedroom-centric antics had the temerity to address us in his pajamas – it felt distinctly like he was mocking us and the whole situation.

9. He Requests Women come to his suite

So, you see someone attractive in the hotel you’re staying at, and you want to get to know this person better. Do you, a) approach them and start a conversation, or b) request their presence like you’re the Sultan of Jell-O Pudding?

When comedian Chelsea Handler was playing a show in Atlantic City, she discovered that Bill Cosby was staying in the same hotel as her. How did she discover this, you ask? Well, he dispatched a member of hotel staff to inform her that Mr Cosby would like to see her in his hotel suite.

That’s right, Bill Cosby thinks he can order women he doesn’t know like they’re available on the room service menu. One can only assume he was shocked to find no Quaaludes in the minibar.

8. He resented his screen wife’s pregnancy

Bill Cosby clearly has a really odd relationship to women. If nothing else, this whole series of events has made that much clear. He seems to treat them as if they’re a confusing alien species, that the only way to have a relationship is through trickery.

A good (i.e., creepy) illustration of this is his attitude toward his screen wife – Philicia Rashad – becoming pregnant.

In an interview with NewOne back in 2014, Cosby describes how he didn’t mind Rashad getting married (how kind of you, Emperor Cosby), but that her getting pregnant ruined their chemistry. He described how he didn’t want to be touchy-feely with his screen wife while she was pregnant, and after she had her baby he found it hard going back to touching her. In his words, “Ahmad Rassad (her husband) messed up that thing”.

Cosby’s requirements of the women around him suggest a desire for ownership, he appears to believe that he should hold sway over any female in his vicinity, and that women who are not his property become icky and untouchable to him.

7. He dismisses female journalists with fruit

This one is just plain odd, and again the creepiness lies in what it suggests about Cosby’s attitudes are toward women.

It’s pretty common knowledge in the entertainment industry that Bill Cosby doesn’t like female journalists – perhaps it has something to do with the fact that a woman exhibiting agency and free will is just baffling and alien to him.

When writing a 1992 feature for the Associated Press, Dana Kennedy found Cosby to be immediately strange, sitting on a sofa flanked by black ragdolls. He apparently issued a series of warnings, clearly wanting to be in control, and at one point informed her that when he decided it was time for her to leave, he would give her and apple or a pear.

Because having a conversation like a reasonable human being is too respectful, Cosby communicates through the medium of fruit. Frankly we just hope Kennedy didn’t eat the fruit and found she was missing a couple of hours of her life.

6. He Craves Control

Control is a word that crops up a lot when you’re looking into Cosby’s cavalcade of creepiness. He demands control over the people around him, over the scenarios he’s presented with, and possibly allegedly perhaps control over the consciousness of the women he sleeps with.

His attitude toward drugs is one not of morality – as he would have us believe – but one of control. Speaking to Time Magazine in 2001 he described how even one drink takes away his control, which he dislikes – but he collects alcohol to serve to friends and guests.

Yep, he wants to be in control, while being perfectly happy to provide substances that inhibits the control of others – that one’s not “allegedly”, by the way, we stand by that one.

5. He makes jokes about rape

This one is way up there on the scale of creepiness. Think Gary Busey breathing down your neck while his forehead sweat drips onto your shoulder…that kind of creepy.

A lot of the allegations made against Cosby occurred in the 1960s and 70s, which makes the Spanish Fly portion of his 1969 comedy album “It’s True! It’s True!” especially disquieting.

The bit describes how a bunch of guys are standing around talking about a substance called Spanish Fly, which they put in a girl’s drink to get her into bed.

“From then on, any time you see a girl: ‘Wish I had some Spanish fly.’
Go to a party see five girls standing alone: ‘Boy if I had a whole jug of Spanish fly, I’d light that corner up over there. HAAAAAAH.'”

Even back then, the fact that he was joking about drugging women to rape them is disturbing.

Incidentally, the judge disallowed this bit as evidence, but we’ll allow it as evidence of Cosby being a creepy dickhead.

4. He has the weirdest rider ever

There’s a lot of things that Bill Cosby has done that are largely creepy as a result of their new context, given the allegations that have come to light. This next one doesn’t need any additional context to be creepy, it’s just the behavior of a twisted, chauvenistic old man.

Producers of The Late Show are used to receiving odd rider demands from celebrities – a bath filled with Skittles, lapdancers in civil war uniforms (Union, obvs), that kind of thing. But Cosby’s demands were more specific – and specifically creepy.

Cosby would demand that all the young female interns and assistance on the show sit around him and watch in silence as he ate his meal. Not joining him for dinner, or mutual enjoyment of company – they had to just sit there, silent, and watch him eat.

What’s perhaps even more baffling is that why the producers of the show allowed their female employees to be used in this controlling, creepy fashion.

3. His Nauseating Description of Female Genitalia

There’s been so many red flags from Cosby’s past behaviour that we’ve basically lost count at this point. His book Love and Marriage is truly a goldmine of creepy quotes, and helps the reader get a clearer picture of Cosby’s old-fashioned ideas about women and sex. For instance, Cosby’s description of his introduction to female genitalia, or “private parts,” is downright sinister and cringe inducing. When Cosby’s girlfriend pulled up her dress to flash him, he wasn’t sure what to make of her “glandular grandeur.” He writes: “Had I ever seen one of those things before, I probably would have seized this moment to run right out the door; but this was a new sight for me and a deeply fascinating one, like Grant’s Tomb or the Grand Canyon.” Clearly, not a natural poet this one.

2. He had a “fixer”

There are a lot of jobs that are specific to Hollywood that make no sense in the real world. Gaffer, best boy, writer – people get paid for this nonsense. One of those weird jobs is that of “fixer”.

Bill Cosby had a fixer working for him at NBC. Did he fix it for Theo to understand the jazz instead of the hippity hop? No, he fixed it for women to keep quiet.

Apparently Cosby hired Frank Scotti to guard his dressing room at NBC while Dr Huxtable performed some backstage Ob-Gyn examinations. Which in itself is not completely unusual or creepy. But Scotti was also hired to go to the women and pay them large sums of cash after their rendezvous. Sort of a “Thank you for a lovely time, here’s some cash to make you feel like a prostitute”-a-gram.

Scotti even saved the receipts from the money orders that Cosby provided. Because when you’re performing illicit services for a celebrity, it always pays to keep good accounting practices.

1. He admitted to drugging women

Possibly among the most disquieting aspects of this whole situation – and one that makes us question the jury’s ambivalence – is Cosby’s Quaaludes admission.

For the benefit of the uninitiated, Quaaludes (methaqualone) were a popular recreational drug in the 1970s – and were prescribed pretty freely by doctors until the DEA made them a schedule 1 in 1984. Their effects included relaxation, sleepiness and occasionally feelings of euphoria.

So let’s be clear – under oath, Bill Cosby admitted to giving these sleep-inducing drugs to women with the specific aim of getting them to have sex with him.

While that’s not admitting to non-consensual sexual contact, that’s absolutely admitting to the explicit intention of putting someone into a state where their mindful consent can’t be guaranteed, in order to make it easier for him to have sex with them.

We have no funny quip or witticism to add to that, it’s just damn disturbing.

Sources: huffingtonpost.com, washingtonpost.com, vibe.com, salon.com, usatoday.com