Let’s get this out of the way to begin with: there’s probably something you do that could conceivably be considered as at least slightly douchey. Now, we’re not saying that you’re the full douche-canoe, but every now and then we all wonder if something we’re doing is possibly a bit douche-ish.

Well, don’t worry. If you’ve had that much consideration about your actions, this list isn’t about you. This is a list about those clueless, hopelessly oblivious alpha-douches of the world. Those guys who take to their lives as though every day is an opportunity to infect it with his arrogance, and still be self deluded enough to think he makes the world an awesome place to live in.

His douche-like behaviors are myriad, but are more easily spotted by women, because their brains aren’t spilling out of her ears on a tidal wave of testosterone like his are. To him, he’s presenting what he’s come to believe, through the influence of reality TV and sleazy pick up artists, is what women really want from a man. In the real world that the rest of us live in, however, he’s pushing some pretty disgusting examples of chauvinism and blind overconfidence.

He is the douche, and these are some of the ways he struts his cocksure stuff. Keep a sick bag at the ready, won’t you?

15. Gym Selfies

For the sake of clarity, no-one is for a single moment suggesting that you shouldn’t take the occasional gym photo. Showing your friends the progress of your battle against the dreaded Captain Fatness and his crew of dastardly flab rolls is a fine and good thing.

But there are those guys who seem to go to the gym with the pure intention of taking a photo while flexing, or displaying the amazing strained faces they can pull while lifting weights. Sure, dude, growl into your camera and display your cable-like veins. Basically, these are the kinds of selfie that say, “I’m narcissistic, and you must enjoy my sweaty, tense gun show, ladies!”

The douche is strong with those who do this.

14. Shirtless Mirror Pics

Most men would probably admit to the occasional checking-out of oneself in the mirror. Well, maybe not freely admit to it, more sort of grudgingly admitting to it while pretending to have a coughing fit, and then rapidly changing the subject. Oh, look, a swan with teeth!

This is perfectly normal behavior. Hell, go ahead and give yourself a little wink, you hot tamale!

But that’s as far as it should go. No right-thinking person looks at their nipples and thinks – yeah, these bad boys are basically breaking news, and the world’s women need the scoop! When a woman scrolls through her Instagram feed and sees you posing in front of the bathroom mirror (which probably has flecks of toothpaste because you’re too busy posing to clean it), you might as well have taken a picture of the mirror with the word “douche” written in steam.

13. Popped Poloneck

This one never stops being baffling. To be fair, simply wearing a polo-neck shirt (outside of being forced to by your employer) is a frosted-tip-hair’s breadth away from doucheyness. But when you pop that collar and start strutting around, that pushes you over the edge.

Why? Well, it’s sort of a ridiculous form of peacocking, isn’t it? A deluded self awareness of your cocksure attitude that you seem to think makes you a lady-killer. It doesn’t. Particularly if you go that extra step.

The multiple popped collar.

That more than one person has thought about doing this and decided that it makes them the best thing since sliced guido, is a damning indictment of humanity, really. This is almost literal peacocking, with all your stupid, douchey feathers erect enough for the female of the species to spot, and run far, far away from.

12. Wearing Sunglasses Indoors

This one has been around since the dawn of sunglasses. When that first caveman slipped on his Ray Bans, and decided that he’d look much cooler if he wore those mofos inside the cave. Then we can assume he fell over all the stone furniture, bludgeoned his brain, and passed on the douche damage to generations of men.

Yeah, it’s true, there are certain items of clothing and accessories that you wear that women will find attractive. Maybe for you that accessory is sunglasses. But you need to know that if you wear them inside, you just look like you’re trying to hide your eyes.

The eyes are the windows to the soul, and your sunglasses aren’t hiding the douche that lies therein.

11. Shorts And Wife Beater In Winter

Shorts and a wife beater in and of themselves do not a douche-canoe make. That those garments are traditionally the domain of the grimy slob clutching a beer can is very much by the by. Today’s modern gentleman can look good in such garb, particularly on a pleasant summer’s day at the beach.

But then there’s that guy. The swarthy fellow who looks out the window in late December, at the children frozen solid like ice sculptures, and thinks to himself, “I’m gonna risk frostbite on my testicles to impress the ladies”.

This is your winter douchebag. He’s laboring under the impression that by taking to the Arctic tundra in nothing but shorts and a wife beater, he’s displaying his prowess as a big, tough man to every female in attendance. What he doesn’t realize is that any passing lady will make a muffled sound through her warm scarf that sounds suspiciously like, “douche”.

10. Constant One-Upsmanship

Competition is, on the whole, a positive thing. It keeps us sharp, it tests our limits, hell – it’s fun. Our very evolution into the balanced, sane species that boasts the fidget spinner among its great achievements is the result of competition.

Unfortunately some of the less evolved members of our species are under the impression that what women like in a man is a constant, desperate need to prove his superiority.

If you get a new car, he’ll get the same one but with rhinestones on the rims. If you get into a wonderful new relationship, he’ll get into 17 casual ones because he figures quantity trumps quality. If you bungee jump off a bridge…well, let’s hope he’ll do it without the rope.

It’s all about ego, and he doesn’t realize that women can see how fragile his is.

9. Pointing At People In Photos

This is one that is filed firmly in the cabinet labelled, “nonsense”. And not the good kind of nonsense, either. This isn’t behavior that we really saw until the dawn of the social media age, and it still defies any kind of sense. Pointing in photographs.

Not pointing at interesting flora and fauna, nor panic-stricken at the sight of stampeding wildebeest. Just pointing at whoever you’re with, as if to say, “this guy…this guy’s the guyest”.

It seems to be another case of the douche showing off. Either pointing at a companion as an expression of endorsement – the douche in his perceived superiority lends his kudos to the lowly betadouche; or as an obnoxious display that the people he hangs with are of a better calibre than yours.

No self-respecting woman could be impressed by this kind of dull, arrogant idiocy.

8. The Bluetooth Earpiece

We understand. At first the Bluetooth earpiece not only seemed practical, but also kinda futuristic. A little nub next to your ear that connected you to a high tech world. It was cool tech, like when The Matrix made slide phones seem awesome for approximately 10 minutes. But those days are passed, now, and the only proponent of the Bluetooth earpiece is the uberdouche.

In his mind, the douche believes the Bluetooth earpiece signifies a kind of status. That his faintly glowing little companion lets the ladies know that he’s successful; that he’s connected in ways they couldn’t possibly comprehend; that he’s so important he couldn’t possibly be untethered for a moment lest the whole business world collapse in ruins.

The only thing that’s actually collapsing, is any credibility he could conceivably have had.

7. The Ed Hardy T-Shirt

If there’s one thing we have the early 2000s to thank for, it’s douchebag tattoo culture. Obviously, by “thank” we actually mean “smother in its sleep”.

Tattoo culture itself is awesome. It’s creative, sometimes edgy, often fascinating, and it has incredible history. What we’re talking about here is douchebag tattoo culture.

Before the early 2000s, douchebags had to get terribly designed tribal bands in order to show off as an edgy character. But then a tattoo artist named Don Ed Hardy licensed his name and tattoo designs to be used on every imaginable product, and the douche didn’t need to subject himself to pain anymore.

Now he just wears an Ed Hardy t-shirt, struts about the club under the impression that he’s telling the ladies that he’s dangerous, that he’s tough, that he’s part of the underworld.

When actually all he’s telling them is he’s a massive douche.

6. Money Shots

Money is not necessarily the root of all evil, it has some obvious uses – such as buying a helicopter for your cat, or mounting an expedition to discover the lost treasure of Prince Rogers Nelson’s ghost. There’s also nothing wrong with having a little pride in the fact that, through your solid work ethic and talent for last-minute grave digging, you’ve amassed yourself the kind of fortune that tax collectors the world over start to get the scent of dirty cash in their nostrils.

Ah, but your Douchey McDoucherton will always be concerned about the possibility that there’s a woman existing in the world that doesn’t know that he can get his mahogany-tanned mitts on big wads of hard cash at a moment’s notice. You know, just so the ladies are aware that he’s able to purchase their affections.

He’ll whip out that phone and take a picture of himself with fans of cash clutched in each fist, or even show his bed littered with fresh bills – you know, just in case she’s unclear of what he’s wanting to buy.

5. Axe Goddamn Bodyspray

Good hygiene is, of course, commendable. You don’t want to be the pongmeister that everyone’s talking about in hushed tones – they’re also talking about your penchant for dancing with chickens, by the way. But it’s important to note a distinction between keeping yourself clean  through such things as showers and acid baths, and spraying yourself with the devil’s own pheromone.

Axe Bodyspray.

The douche does not understand this distinction. Not only has he somehow got the impression that a thorough gassing of his person with Axe is an acceptable proxy for a shower, but he also thinks that the smell is attractive to women.

It’s really, really not.

It’s not entirely little Doucheboy’s fault, though. He’s just not smart enough to understand that those commercials that show how a spritz of Axe will make angels fall out of the sky and obey your every command are not, in fact, documentaries. He genuinely thinks that by dousing himself in this crap, he’s presenting himself as the gods’ gift to women. Maybe cut him a little slack on this one, though. After all, the sheer potency of those fumes have probably given him brain damage.

4. Vehicular Douchery

For some of us, our car is our pride and joy. Which is understandable, because they offer things your friends and family just can’t – heated seats, a cup holder, breakneck speed. Well, you can sort of get the latter by jumping on someone’s back and digging your spurs in, but it’s just not the same.

For the douchepilot, however, his car is a way to announce to the ladies that he has arrived. An opportunity to roll up and have his car shout his doucheyness at any woman in the vicinity…possibly while vigorously thrusting his pelvis. This behavior comes in a few different forms.

Firstly, there’s the repeated gunning of the engine. This is a kind of hypersexual roar, a gutteral bellow to loudly let the ladies know that he’s an animal in the sack. That animal, of course, being a sloth.

Then there’s the obnoxiously loud vehicle in general. He’s had his vehicle modified so that his engine sounds bigger than it is…which we shall refrain from making the obvious comparisons about (The engine is his penis). It also drowns out the Jones that the women are shouting in his direction.

The train horn. Which Senõr Douche had installed because there’s nothing the ladies like more than to be aurally assaulted with the opening notes of La Cucaracha. It makes them hot, you know?

3. Pack Roaming

We humans are a gregarious species. Some of us are less gregarious than others, because there will come a time soon when sacrifices will be made to feed the populace with people meats. But that’s a subject for another list. The point is, we tend to be tribal by nature, and the company of likeminded folk can be extremely beneficial for our mental and physical health.

Captain Douchebeard, however, simply doesn’t like to hunt for females alone. The douche subspecies are pack roamers with a clear hierarchy, from Alpha Douche down to lowly Apprentice Douche. Each member of the pack will support each other’s bid for conquest, usually once the Alpha Douche has decided he doesn’t want said conquest, each offering his own howls and dubious, shouted compliments to the effort. Essentially each of these douches wants a lady to know he’s part of something significant, that he’s connected. In this case to a trundling behemoth of douchedom. 

2. He Orders For Her

Occasionally the unexpected will occur. Our douche has somehow managed to ensnare an unsuspecting lady with his ineffable charms. She might have been having an off day when she agreed, who knows?

Shockingly, our young douche has booked anniversary restaurant, he’s even opened doors for his date, and pulled back her seat. Obviously, he’s still bright orange, but is there yet hope for him?

No.

Because as his beautiful date is perusing the menu, about to express some agency inn choosing what she wants to eat, our douche plucks the menu from her hand and orders for her.

This is because he wants her (and possibly the waiter) to know that he has an impressive knowledge of the Big Mac, he wants her to know that she doesn’t have to think because he can think for her. Mostly he’s trying to show that he can take charge of all the important decisions, leaving her to think about her nails or something. Yup, we have ourselves an uberdouche.

1. Douchebag Magic Show

Everyone loves magic, right? Particularly the Harry Potter kind, which makes bording school some kind of non-nightmare scenario. But a little prestidigitation does us good – it’s a fascinating craft, and those whom are good at it work hard to bring some playful mystery into our lives.

Except when it comes to douche-Houdini. He learned a few magic tricks from a DVD he got online, sold to him under the headline of, “Make her Panties Disappear”. This guy will just go up to women in bars, who are minding their own business and having a nice time, and whipping out some kind of coin trick which will allow him to latch onto her under the guise of showmanship.

He thinks she’ll find him fascinating and mysterious, like David Blaine with a shit ton of gel in his hair. But she’ll just be looking for a straight jacket to watch him fail to escape from.