Sometimes, when it comes to relationships, things just don’t work out the way you expected. When you come to the harsh realization that your partner is not the one but in fact an evil witch, who you want nothing more to do with, you’re going to have to take the next steps to end the relationship for good. If you’ve ever broken up with anyone, you know it’s not easy, you can never predict another person’s emotional reaction. Will she fly off the handle and start screaming and shouting? Will she not even care? Or worse yet, what if she gets emotional?

Next to consider is how do you do it? Do you take her out for dinner? Or are you the cowardly type who dumps their partner by text? Finding the perfect setting can be key to the reaction you receive when the break up takes place, after all, you’re less likely to get a punch in the face in a public setting, right? Although, you risk everyone thinking you’re a horrible person if she starts crying and screaming at you at the local pub, landing you a reputation as the guy who makes women cry. Perhaps, a text or call is the safest bet…

Here are 15 thoughts every guy has when breaking up with a witch.

15. How do I do this as quickly and painlessly as possible?

You need to put some thought into how to make this break-up happen as painlessly as possible. Choosing your words carefully is the key to making sure you get the safest reaction from her. Do you start with the classic, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine? Putting the blame on yourself for not being ‘ready’ for a relationship, in the hope that she takes this well and accepts what you are saying? You also need to consider how to get the job done as quickly as possible so that you can get out of there pronto and begin your new life as a single fella.

14. Should I offer to get her a drink first?

Should you start by offering to buy her a drink first? Something alcoholic to help numb the blow of the rejection that is coming her way shortly? It’s the gentlemanly thing to do, right? Knowing her she will choose the most expensive drink on the menu, probably some kind of cocktail that takes forever to make and contains half the liquor the bar stocks as well as costing a fortune, you don’t want to waste any more money on this witch. Also, chances are the drinks are going to end up over your head shortly anyway, so will be a complete waste of your money.

13. Do I need to try and comfort her?

You knew going into this break-up meeting that there was a risk that she might get upset, what do you do if she begins to cry? Should you try and comfort her? Place an arm on her shoulder in a comforting but clearly friend zone kind of way, in the hope that the tears will stop? But you don’t want to lead her on further and she has been a completely awful girlfriend, so maybe it’s OK to just walk away as quickly as possible and let her contact one of her friends for support? After all, you have absolutely no intention of seeing this girl again.

12. What if she seeks revenge?

OK, so the reason you’re breaking up with her is because she’s an absolute witch. It might not be surprising if after this is all over she comes after you for revenge. It’s just a risk you’re going to have to take to get out of this relationship for good. After all, what’s the worst she could do? Key your car, spread rumours about you, get with one of your friends, send you abusive messages? Surely, freedom will be well worth this risk and it’s so close. Just hope she stays away from the car, please anything but attacking the car…

11. Stay calm, one day this will be a distant memory…

The main thing to remember here is just to breathe and stay calm, this break-up meeting can’t last forever and once it’s over freedom will be yours. Keep this in mind and you should get through it just fine. One day you will look back on this as just an awful memory from your past, perhaps you’ll even block it from your mind and never think of these moments again. If things get really bad you always have the option to get up and leave and run as fast as you can, away from this moment and away from her…forever!

10. Please don’t punch me

What if instead of getting upset and crying, she actually gets really angry and tries to punch you? Wouldn’t put it past her after what you have seen of her so far. Do you bring some backup ice just in case you leave with a swollen face? Maybe, you should just try to remain a safe distance from her at all times and be ready to duck if you see any fast movements coming from her direction. You don’t want to go through the humiliation of being attacked by her in public if this is a genuine concern, you might be considering calling the whole thing off and leaving the country to begin a new life instead.

9. I hope her friends don’t try and contact me

After the breakup is finally over and you think you are safe and away from her, is this when the abusive messages start coming in on Facebook messenger from her annoying friends. She’s obviously gone back to them and reported a completely different story to what actually happened, making you out to be a complete villain, who has broken her heart for no good reason. How many days or weeks of abuse will you now receive from her girlfriends trying to make you feel guilty for the way that you feel? Time to turn that phone off for a while.

8. Do I abort mission?

After getting to know this girl, you’ve realized that she’s particularly scary and not a very nice person, hence the break-up. What if when it comes down to it you actually can’t bring up the courage to end things as you’re scared of what her reaction is going to be? You might decide to abort mission and think of a new plan to get out of this relationship. Maybe, you could try and think of a way to get her to dump you instead? No, you have to stay strong and be brave, if not you could end up stuck with this girl.

7. Have I made it clear enough?

You’ve come to the conclusion this girl can be a little crazy…what if she doesn’t really understand that you are breaking up with her and continues to think that you are in a relationship. You need to make it clear that you never want to see her again so that she will leave you alone for good. Do not leave that meeting without being 100% sure she knows it’s over. You don’t want to be having the same conversation with her again in a week’s time because she didn’t understand properly the first time around. Don’t give in to feeling bad and be clear on what you are saying to her.

6. Think of an exit plan…

If things get really bad, you’ve got to have an exit plan or multiple exit plans ready and waiting to be used. Perhaps, you could get one of the lads to call you and pretend there has been an emergency that you need to leave immediately for. Or say you have had a text from work and they need you to turn up urgently or risk losing your job. Maybe, even just say things are all too emotional and you need to leave to clear your head before you get upset. Either way, having something prepared so you can leave is a must in this situation.

5. Is this really what I want?

Sitting with her now, looking at her sad eyes you might be starting to feel a little guilty. Is this girl really that bad? Maybe, you haven’t given her a fair chance and are being a bit harsh with breaking up with her like this. After all, she might have just been going through a difficult time, you don’t know what’s really been going on in her life. Should you give the relationship another go? Wait. Just because she’s being nice now doesn’t erase the awful way she treated you throughout your time together. Stay strong buddy. You can do this.

4. What even attracted me to this girl?

Or maybe you’re feeling the opposite way. Particularly, if her reaction to the breakup is bad and you’re now getting yelled at, you might be thinking, what actually attracted me to this girl in the first place? They say looks aren’t everything but were you drunk when you started dating this girl and completely ignored her terrible personality for the first few months you guys were together? You might make a mental note to be more selective in the future and get to know people better before jumping into a relationship so fast, that way you shouldn’t end up in this situation again.

3. Good luck to the next guy…

You’ve got to give a thought to the poor next guy who is going to have to deal with this girl, he will probably fall for the same (very brief) initial charm and humour that you did and end up in a relationship with her. Only for her to treat him badly, just as she did with you and eventually he will end up in this same position, sat here trying to dump her as painlessly and quickly as possible so that he can start rebuilding his dating life again. If only you could let him know he’s not alone, *raises glass* here’s to you man.

2. I’ve done well, I’m a professional heartbreaker

So, you’ve made it out. Freedom is yours. Either way, if it went badly or she took it well, it doesn’t now matter because it’s over. Well done you. Time to congratulate yourself with a beer (or many beers) and a night out with the lads. Move over Hitch because you are now feeling like a love guru, ready to give advice to your heartbroken mates on their relationships and guide them on their dating journeys. When you’re ready, you can now start to meet new people again and it’s exciting knowing that you probably haven’t yet met the love of your life.

1. Did she just leave on a broomstick?

When you were referring to her as a ‘witch’ it was because she has been an awful person and treated you badly. But seriously, did you just see her leaving on a broomstick? Should you now be concerned that she’s going to take revenge on you in the form of some kind of black magic? I would lie low for a while if I was you, just to make sure nothing bad is going to happen. Oh and in the future, maybe be more careful about who you end up in a relationship with, that way you hopefully shouldn’t end up in this situation again!