Sometimes, it’s hard to identify what’s wrong with your relationship. You should be happy, but you’re not. You should be enjoying it, but something’s holding you back. Sure, no relationship is perfect and you will encounter problems, but love shouldn’t stress you out. If you know that you’re not as happy as you should be, then there’s a reason for it. Naturally, you start blaming it on your partner, on bad timing, or anything else that does not hold you responsible.

But what if you’re the problem? You can’t rule it out. If you find yourself hopping from one relationship to the next, think about the reasons why it didn’t work out with your previous partners. Often, a bad relationship in the past can have a lasting impact. Perhaps you are scared that history might repeat itself, so subconsciously, you start sabotaging your relationship before that can happen. Of course, by doing this, you’re preventing yourself from moving on. It becomes a cycle. You meet someone, you start to get close, and then you withdraw before anything gets too serious. It’s self-sabotage at its finest! However, if you can identify what’s causing this, then you don’t have to throw in the towel just yet. Here’s 15 warning signs that you might be sabotaging your relationship.

15. You hold grudges

Sometimes, you simply have to let things go. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel angry or upset about something, but in the end, you have to either move on from what’s happened or end the relationship. Holding grudges is more about you and less about what they’ve done. It’s a defense mechanism to keep them away and prevent yourself from being hurt again. If they can see that you’re angry or frustrated, then they probably want to avoid being near you. But what will you achieve by holding a grudge? Absolutely nothing. The point is you need to feel comfortable enough to talk to your partner about this. If you can’t do that, then it doesn’t look hopeful.

14. You’re being too needy

In the “honeymoon phase,” it’s normal to want to be with your partner all of the time. However, there’s a difference between being loving and being needy. If your partner makes it clear that she’s busy with work or seeing friends, but you still text her the whole time, then that can come across as obsessive behavior. Healthy couples spend time apart; they don’t cling to each other. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want to spend every moment with them, but you do need to respect that that’s simply not possible. They have their life and you have yours. Also, being too “needy” in a relationship is only going to push them further away.

13. It’s not a priority

Sure, there will be times when you have to prioritize other things before your relationship, and that’s actually a good thing. Your life shouldn’t revolve just around your partner. However, if you are always putting work, friends, and other commitments before your relationship, then it won’t be long before it deteriorates. A relationship needs nurturing, attention and effort. How do you expect to maintain a strong, healthy relationship if you’re doing the bare minimum? It just won’t work. You make time for the people who matter the most – it’s as simple as that. If you’re not making time for them, then you need to re-evaluate how much this relationship means to you.

12. You’re paranoid

Paranoia in a relationship is never a good sign and it’s usually an indication of problems ahead. Again, this is self-sabotage. It can stem from past relationships or your own personal fears. For example, if you were cheated on in your last relationship, then it’s likely that you will be on guard in your present relationship. Understandably, you don’t want to go through the same bad experience, but by projecting your fears or withdrawing from your partner you are actually having the reverse effect. If you start acting paranoid, then they will start to have suspicions about you and it becomes an endless cycle of doubts and accusations.

11. You’re trying too hard

What’s the first piece of advice someone will give you before you go for an interview? Just be yourself. As cliche as it sounds, that applies to relationships as well. It’s difficult to keep up an act around someone you’re dating and it can make you feel like you’re not enough. Sometimes, a small lie can cause bigger problems. If you tell your partner that skiing is one of your hobbies even though you’ve never done it in your life, then you’re probably going to get caught out eventually. Of course, the bigger the lie, the worse the outcome will be. There’s a difference between trying to impress someone and telling a downright lie to make them like you more.

10. You take things too personally

It’s easy to take things personally, especially when it comes to relationships. If your partner is in a bad mood or they’re upset about something, you might start to feel like you’re the one that’s caused this. Humans aren’t perfect (we’re very far from it) and sometimes we might take out our anger on the ones closest to us. However, if your partner feels sad or depressed, don’t assume that it has anything to do with you. The problem is when you take everything personally, the relationship becomes about you and this can make you appear selfish. Your partner needs to know that they can rely on you, so at least talk to them before you make assumptions.

9. You’re snooping

Let’s be honest – snooping is never acceptable. What do you achieve out of it? Either you find out that you were right to be suspicious or you find out that you were wrong all along. Both outcomes will likely end in a breakup so the truth is that you can’t win, you can only lose. If you feel an urge to snoop on your partner it’s because you’re having doubts about them and even if you don’t find any “evidence” on their phone, those doubts will probably still be there. The thing about snooping is that it can become addictive, which is why it’s best to stop it before it starts.

8. Stalking their social media

Although it’s not snooping, it’s still a sign of mistrust. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about scrolling through your partner’s social media accounts just to check up on them. However, there’s a huge difference between checking up on them every once in a while and stalking them all of the time. The latter suggests that you’re probably looking for proof that your partner is hiding something from you or possibly being unfaithful. Similar to snooping, this constant itch to check their social media can become addictive. It’s not healthy. Either you need to gain some self-control or accept that the relationship can’t survive without trust.

7. You’re still using dating apps

It’s one thing if you and your partner have both agreed on it, but if you’re discreetly using dating apps behind their back, then you’re already sabotaging your relationship. Sometimes, you can get hit with a fear of missing out, and that’s why you can’t bring yourself to delete the dating apps on your phone. You’re not actively looking to replace your partner but you can’t help but wonder if the grass really is greener. It might feel like harmless fun or a way to pass the time, but it’s actually a sign that you’re not satisfied with your relationship. After all, if you were happy, then why would you still be looking for more? It speaks volumes.

6. Picking fights

Starting fights over every disagreement – or nothing in particular – can put a strain on your relationship. There’s no need to pick fights all of the time. If you can’t calmly talk to your partner about what’s bothering you without it turning into a fight, then that’s not a good sign. Often, picking fights over small things is a way of provoking a reaction, as well as a way of projecting your own fears. Maybe what you’re really looking for isn’t conflict, but rather, you need reassurance from your partner. However, what you’re really doing is pushing them away. Nobody wants to be with someone who argues all of the time.

5. You’re overthinking

It’s common knowledge that overthinking is a relationship killer. It’s almost like your mind is working overtime, trying to find problems that aren’t actually there. The problem with overthinking is that it’s hard to stop and it becomes unhealthy. For example, your partner doesn’t reply to your text for an hour and you start assuming the worst case scenarios; they’re planning a breakup, they’re cheating, they’ve run away to another Country. Some of these theories may seem far-fetched, but in your mind, anything is possible. Instead of trying to read between the lines, you should talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. Remember that if you don’t ask, you don’t get.

4. You don’t make an effort with their family

A relationship is between two people, but you still need to make an effort with their loved ones. Sometimes, it’s hard to get on with certain people, especially if you simply don’t share any of the same interests. However, if you see this relationship lasting long-term, then you need to at least try to engage with their family and friends. If you keep making excuses about why you can’t meet them, or why you can’t attend dinner, then it appears that you have no interest in taking the relationship any further and eventually, your partner will get fed up and leave. If you’re not willing to put in more effort to make it work, it looks like it could end quicker than you anticipated.

3. Telling white lies

A white lie is still a lie, even if you have good intentions. The reason why chronic lying is so harmful to your relationship is that your partner will start doubting everything you tell them. It might start with a small lie, but that can easily escalate into a bigger, potentially damaging lie. Perhaps you think that lying will protect your partner, or yourself, but what it’s really doing is ruining your relationship. Besides, your partner will respect you more if you are honest. Each lie you tell gives them another reason not to trust you, and once that trust is gone, it’s almost impossible to repair it.

2. Finding flaws

Everyone has flaws, even if they’re not noticeable at first. In the early stages of dating, also known as the “honeymoon phase,” they might even seem too good to be true. Yet, the more you get to know someone the more you realize that that’s not true. Soon enough you start to see their flaws. If you focus too much on what’s wrong with your partner, instead of embracing them for who they are, it could be damaging to your relationship. If you’re constantly looking for imperfections in your partner, they will start feeling like they will never be good enough for you. Setting incredibly high standards is one way to sabotage your relationship.

1. You focus on the wrong things

If you keep focusing on the bad aspects of your relationship instead of appreciating the good things, then you’re never going to be satisfied. Some people will sabotage their relationship by obsessing over the small details and finding excuses as to why it can’t work out. What you need to remember is that not every moment in your relationship will be amazing. There will be days where you will feel exhausted or frustrated, but there will also be days where you’ll feel happy and complete. No relationship is brilliant all of the time, but if you’re constantly looking for the bad, then you’re damaging your relationship more than you realize.